GIVE ME MONEY!
by Ryu-Gi
Summary: Watch as Olcadan and his trusty sidekick Lizardman hatch various get rich quick schemes in order to pay off Rapheal! Meanwhile, Raphael comes up with evil plots to take over the world!
1. Lizardman Likes Mushrooms

GIVE ME MONEY!

By Ryu-Gi

Disclaimer: All copyrighted franchises and all items related to them that are mentioned within this Fan Fiction are all the intellectually property of their respected owners.

CHAPTER 1-Lizardman likes mushrooms.

Olcadan was sitting cross-legged in his labyrinth, meditating. Lizardman walked up to him.

"Duuuuuude…" said Lizardman, "why are you doing yoga?"

Olcadan woke up.

"What the crap? It's Godzilla!"

"Duuuuuuuuude…what up, Owl man?"

Olcadan blinked. "What the…? Who are you and what are you doing in my labyrinth?"

"Dude, I've been, like lost for days in this underground…watery place thing? And I was thinking, 'awww, man, I'm gonna die here, man!' and then I turn the corner, and I saw you there and I was all like 'Whoa, a person-thing!' So then I saw you were, like, part Owl? So then I thought, 'Woooow, man, this guy's just like me 'cuz I'm half animal too and stuff!'"

"Have you been eating the mushrooms growing off of the walls?" Asked Olcadan.

"Want one?" he said, offering a weird-looking blue mushroom with green veins running along the cap.

"No thanks. I'm good."

There was a long awkward silence, which was finally broken by Olcadan.

"So…you're from the outside, right?"

"Awwwww, yeah, dude!" said Lizardman enthusiastically. "Outside! That's where, like, the sky is!"

"Well, I happen to have been trapped in this Labyrinth for thousands of years. So, if you came from outside, that means…"

A smile broke out on Olcadan's face as he realized what it meant. Which was a big accomplishment considering he had a beak instead of a mouth.

"Duuuuuuude…" said Lizardman.

"WHOPEEEE! I'M FREEEEE! HAHAAHAHA! THE LABYRINTH HAS BEEN OPENED!" Rejoicing, Olcadan Ran for the Exit.

"Wait for me, Owl-headed dude!" said Lizardman. They both emerged onto the surface. Minutes later.

"OWOWOWOWWOWOWOWOW!" screeched Olcadan, writhing in pain suddenly.

"Dude, your eyes look really weird, man. You need some, like, Clear-Eyes stuff or something." Said Olcadan, cocking his head and looking at Olcadan's eyes, which were reacting wildly to the bright sunlight. Then, a strange man came out of nowhere carrying a bucket full of free samples of Clear –Eyes.

"Clear Eyes. Wow." He said, holding out a free sample.

"Exaaaaaclty, man." Said Lizardman, taking the free sample and squirting it into Olcadan's eyes.

"Thank you! It's so bright out! I guess after being cooped up underground for thousands of years ruined my eyes…" Thanked Olcadan.

"Owl-Headed dude, I gotta lot to catch you up on, man."

Lizardman took Olcadan to a Café that is located for some reason was in the middle of the desert. He explained all the stuff that had happened while Olcadan was locked up in the Labyrinth. Olcadan had a Coke and Lizardman had a coconut filled with fruit punch with a little umbrella in it.

"I still don't understand how the story about you getting pantsed in High school is relevant to current events." Admitted Olcadan.

"Duuuude, do I have to start over again?"

"No. Actually, I'd rather not."

"Righteous, man." He took a sip from his fruit punch.

"Okay, so I guess it's time to go out into the world and see what kind of warriors exist in this age…" said Olcadan.

They were about to go when the owner of the Café ran out and grabs them both.

"VAT IZ DIS!" screeched the owner of the Café with a very thick French Accent. "TWO FREAKY BOYS LEAVING VITOUT PAYING ZEIR BILL!"

"What?" asked Olcadan, confused. The concept of the bill was new and foreign to him.

"Duuude, I forgot, man! My bad!" Lizardman searched his pockets. "Awwwww, this sucks, man! I just remembered that I lost my wallet in the underground water-place dude!"

"ZEN I VILL THROW YOU IN ZEE JAIL!" Threatened the Café owner.

"Not the 5-0, man! Don't throw us to the Man, man!" Lizardman cowered in fear.

"Isn't there an alternative solution to this? Can't we come back later and pay?" asked Olcadan.

"ONLY IF YOU GIVE ME SOMEZING ZAT VILL ENSURE YOU RETURN!"

"Dude, I don't have anything…Hey, Owl-Head dude? You got anything?" inquired Lizardman.

"No…not really…" said Olcadan.

"What about that box thingy you have?" asked Lizardman, pointing to a box with an ornate design on it that Olcadan had brought with him out of the labyrinth.

"What, the Ancient? That's the box that holds all of my weapons!" said Olcadan.

"I VILL TAKE ZAT!" said the Café owner, seizing the Ancient.

"Hey! That's mine!"

"UNTIL YOU BRING ME ZEE MONEY, I VILL KEEP ZIS!" and with that, he went back into the Café.

"Awwww," said Lizardman, "bummer, Owl-Head dude."

"Bummer! He stole the Ancient! We've got to get it back!"

"Owl-Head Dude, The French dude said we need to give him money in order to get your magic box thingy back."

"Ugh. Well, I suppose we could get a job or something…"

"Duuuuude! Nooooo, man! I had a job once! It was horrible, man! I still get nightmares about it!"

"You told me you worked at a burger joint."

"It was the clown mascot guy, dude! He scared the living daylights outta me, man!" Lizardman was shaking again.

Olcadan breathed a long, heavy sigh. There was another long, awkward pause.

"You want a blue mushroom, dude?" asked Lizardman.

"No." said Olcadan.

Meanwhile back at the Café… 

"MWAHAAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the Café owner. "Now that I have the Ancient, I can take over the world!"

A young teenage girl walked up to him.

"Daddy, Why are you laughing?"

"Because, my dear Amy, I have obtained the awesome power of…" he then pulled out Olcadan's box dramatically, "THE ANCIENT!"

Out of nowhere there was a crash of thunder and the sound of a choir vocalizing.

"But Daddy, I thought you were looking for Soul Edge." Said Amy.

"I got lazy!" said the Café owner.

Amy sighed. Sometimes she was happy to know that she was adopted.

* * *

And so it begins! Olcadan and Lizardman's quest to get money! And if you didn't realize it yet, the Café Owner is Raphael. Review and tell me what you think! 


	2. Robbing a Bank or Something

GIVE ME MONEY!

By Ryu-Gi

Disclaimer: All copyrighted franchises and all items related to them that are mentioned within this Fan Fiction are all the intellectually property of their respected owners. Also I highly recommend that you never try any of these stunts either. So I don't get sued, you know?

Scheme 1: Robbing a Bank…Or Something.

A few days had passed since Raphael took the Ancient from Olcadan. He was currently living with Lizardman at the Silk Road Shrine. They were trying to come up with ways to solve their money problem.

"I got it all figured out man, it's like there's a machine working in my head or something! But then again that might be the microchip the government put in my brain." Said Lizardman.

"Whoop-dee-doo." Said Olcadan flatly.

"First thing we do is, like, find a bank, you know? 'Cuz you need a bank in order to rob it, you know?"

"That's a given." Said Olcadan.

"Then, we, like, run in with masks on our faces and stuff, with weapons out, like in the movies, you know? And then we're all like, 'dude, give us your money or we'll hurt you and stuff' and then they'll give us all of the money in the vault! Then we slip away, all secret agent-like, on our getaway horses that we left out back before the whole thing ever started!"

"Your plan sucks." Said Olcadan bluntly.

"Yeah, I know I stole the idea from someone else." Said Lizardman.

"Why the crap was robbing a bank your first idea?"

"I dunno, man. People rob banks all the time in movies and stuff."

"If we're going to rob anything, let's try to be more original then, okay?" Olcadan folded his arms.

"Duuude, you look all wise and stuff when you fold your arms, man." Said Lizardman.

"What? You think so?" asked Olcadan.

"Yeah, man! All you need now is to stand on top of a mountain and yell 'WHO AM I!'. Oh, wait, that's Jackie Chan…"

"I don't suppose there are any other places that would have a lot of money in them?" A place besides a bank where people put the money all the time?"

"Duuuuuude, what about a bank?"

"I just said no Banks." Said Olcadan.

"Oh, yeah, you did….what about a Bank?"

'I SAID NO BANKS, DANGIT!" Screamed Olcadan.

"Dude. Anger management. Maybe you should do that Yoga thing again. And I think we should try robbing a bank, because we need money and stuff."

Olcadan fumed.

Meanwhile, in a castle somewhere in a Romanian valley…

Raphael was looking at himself in the mirror, all decked out in his vampire-ish outfit.

"I vant to suck your blood! MOO-HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!" laughed Raphael.

Just then Amy came in with a glass of red stuff.

"I can't find an blood, so I brought you the next best thing." Said Amy.

"Excellent…" Raphael said Evilly, taking the glass of red stuff and downing it with one gulp. He then spit it out violently.

"What is this crap!" demanded Raphael.

"It's V8 tomato juice, Daddy." Said Amy.

"Ugh! Never bring me this stuff again!"

"Yes, Daddy."

Raphael checked his evil Teletubbies watch.

"Oh, look! Vampire time is over! Amy, what's next on my evil schedule!"

Amy pulled out a planner and ran a finger down the list.

"It says that today you were supposed to mock the people of the village…"

"Check." Said Raphael.

"Then you were going to mock the army that was trying to take over the castle yesterday…"

"Check."

"Then you were going to mock Nightmare for losing to you even though you almost died…"

"Check."

"Come to think of it, the whole thing is basically you mocking everybody." Said Amy.

"I'll do one step better and insult them all at the same time!" laughed Raphael. He then strolled over to the window. Opened it, and then screamed out unto the world, "YOU ALL SUCK! JUST LIKE TOMATO JUICE!"

"I think that pretty much wraps up your day…ohm wait, it also says you're going to reveal your secret evil plan." said Amy.

"TO THE LABORATORY, AMY!" Said Raphael, skipping down the hall.

Meanwhile, Olcadan and Lizardman were in the process of attempting to rob a place. They had pulled up to the target on horseback, their faces covered with bandit's masks.

"On three, man!" said Lizardman, his back to the building.

"Okay," said Olcadan.

"Ready? One…two…two and a half…"

Olcadan fell over.

"Sorry, man, I couldn't resist!" laughed Lizardman.

Olcadan grumbled and got back up.

"Okay, this time for real. One…two…two and three quarters!"

Olcadan fell over again.

"Stop that!"

Lizardman nearly fell over laughing.

"Okay, no jokes this time, I'm all serious and crap now. One…"

"Tell you what. Why don't I do the count this time?" said Olcadan.

"Okay, but just this once, man."

"One…Two…THREE!"

"AAAAAAAAARGH" They both screamed, as they ran into the building.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart, how may I help you?" said a girl standing inside. Who just happened to be Seong Mi-Na.

"WE'RE HERE TO ROB THIS PLACE AND STUFF, DUDDETTE!" screamed Lizardman.

"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to go to customer service for that." Said Seong Mi-Na. "Just fill out the request to commit robbery form and then submit it to the front desk for authorization."

"What the crap?" said Olcadan.

"Thanks, Duddette." Said Lizardman, "By the way, you're really cute. Can I have your number?"

Olcadan pulled Lizardman by the tail over to customer service. Cassandra was working at the desk, chewing a very thick wad of bubble gum.

"Can we, like, get a request to commit robbery form?" asked Lizardman.

"They're the red ones over there." Said Cassandra, pointing.

"As bizarre as this seems, let me fill out the forms, okay?" said Olcadan. "You…keep an eye out or something." He then picked up a pen attached to the desk by a chain and began filling out the form.

"Soooooo…" said Lizardman, leaning against the customer service desk, "Do you come here often, miss"

"Buzz off, lizard breath." Said Cassandra.

"Okay, done!" Olcadan gave Cassandra the red form.

"It'll take me a minute to fax this. Please wait and take a seat on the bench over there until your name is called."

"Umm…okay…" said Olcadan.

Back at Raphael's Castle, Raphael had brought Amy down to his secret evil laboratory, where a huge thing was covered in cloth dramatically.

"Amy, I have completed my machine for TAKING OVER THE WORLD! MOO-HA HA HAAAAA!" He then pulled the cloth off the machine. "BEHOLD!"

"An enormous cardboard box?"

"YES! EXCEPT IT'S AN EVIL CARDBOARD BOX!"

"Uh-huh…" said Amy.

"Everybody knows that playing with the box is more fun they playing with the toy that comes in it! I will distribute these cardboard boxes throughout the world, making all the kiddies want to play with them instead of their toys! All the toy companies will begin to go bankrupt! And then, I will give my ultimatum! They will surrender to me all of their companies, or I will continue to give out cardboard boxes! THE WORLD WILL BE MINE! NYAH-HA HA HAAAAAA!"

"Holy crap…that might actually work." Said Amy. "I'm impressed, Daddy."

"EVIL WINS! WAAHAHAHAHAHAA!" Laughed Raphael. Out of nowhere, lightning crashed outside.

Amy walked over to the large Cardboard box and looked inside.

"Um…Daddy?"

"Yes, my muffin!"

"The box has a note on the inside of it."

"Let me see that!" Raphael grabbed the note and read it. "To Raphael, from the Azure Nightmare. This is for making me lose my body. Enjoy, loser. What the…"

The box then suddenly burst into flames.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Raphael.

"Well, that's not going to be good for business…" mustered Amy.

Back at the Wal-Mart, Olcadan was getting very impatient.

"Jeez, lady! How many times do I have to say this! I don't want a free One-year subscription to 'Seventeen'!"

"Sorry, buddy," said Cassandra, "It comes standard with our official Robber's Guild Package."

"Dude," said Lizardman, coming out of nowhere, "They sell chicken-flavored crackers here. Awesome."

"Come on, Lizardman, we're getting out of here. These guys just make it too hard to rob the place."

"But I want to ride the little car in front of the store! Got any quarters, dude?"

"That's why we came here in the first place, idiot, to get money without getting a job, because you're scared of it!"

"Dude…jobs are scary. They have guys who make you do stuff. Not cool."

"Let's just go already…" Olcadan pushed Lizardman out of the store.

"Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart! We hope to see you again!" said Seong Mi-Na cheerfully.

"Can it, lady." Snapped Olcadan.

* * *

Tune in next time for more get-rich-quick-schemes! Please review! And submitting ideas for schemes for Olcadan and Lizardman to try and pull off would be a big help! Thanks! 


	3. Parking Meter Madness

GIVE ME MONEY!

By Ryu-Gi

_Disclaimer: All copyrighted franchises and all items related to them that are mentioned within this Fan Fiction are all the intellectually property of their respected owners. Also I highly recommend that you never try any of these stunts either. So I don't get sued, you know?_

Scheme 02: Parking Meter Madness

Lizardman was dreaming about blue mushrooms. Lots and lots of blue mushrooms. He was the king of the blue mushrooms. They danced and sang for him.

"All hail the mushroom empire…" mumbled Lizardman in his sleep.

"Wake up, Lizardman, the cart is stopping." Said Olcadan.

They had managed to hitch a ride on the back of a farmer's cart. He'd been heading in the direction of the nearest town and Olcadan figured it would be a good place for their next scheme.

"Well, we're here fellas, time to get off." Said the farmer.

"Give me a second to wake up my friend here." Said Olcadan.

"I crown thee queen of mushroom land…" muttered Lizardman.

"WAKE UP!" screamed Olcadan.

"Wha…! What! I've been up the whole time! Don't get up, I'll cook breakfast!" said a startled Lizardman.

Olcadan yanked Lizardman out of the cart by the tail. He waved goodbye to the farmer and waited for Lizardman to get up.

"Dude…I smell like a pig crapped on me." Said Lizardman.

"That's because a pig crapped on you." Said Olcadan.

"Oh…do you, like, have a towel or something I can use to get this stuff off?"

It was Teatime at Raphael's Evil Castle. Today he had invited Talim over.

"Welcome to my Evil Castle!" said Raphael. "I hope the accommodations are dreadful?"

"You're a bad, bad man!" said Talim.

"Stop it, you're making me blush!" said Raphael.

"You're a boo-boo head and you should go away!" said Talim.

"Not very good at insults, is she?" said Amy.

"She's so used to being a sweet, good little girl that it's disgusting." Said Raphael.

"Your Mommy needs to spank you!" said Talim.

"That very strange image aside," said Raphael, "To business. It has come to my attention that you are very fond of cute fuzzy little animals."

"We need to save the whales!" said Talim.

"I have also become aware that you have the power to control the wind! Therefore I took it upon myself to kidnap this very cute and fuzzy baby duckling!"

Amy then wheeled in a very small and very cute and fuzzy baby duckling.

"Noooo!" screamed Talim. "Don't hurt the baby duck!"

"If you don't tell me how to control the wind, I will eat this baby duck's parents!" said Raphael.

"He'll do it, too. He's already got his George Foreman grill and his "Kiss the cook" apron out and everything." Said Amy.

"First of all, ew!" said Talim, "Second, I think we should solve this with a non-violent solution!"

"I agree…" said Raphael.

"You do?" asked Amy.

"Yes, only replace 'non' with 'extremely', and at the end, add the phrase, 'duck eating frenzy! WAHAHAHAAH!"

"Alright! I'll tell you what you want! Just don't eat the baby duckling's parents!" cried Talim.

"Excellent…" said Raphael.

Olcadan and Lizardman were walking the streets of the town when the noticed that there was a long line of horses along the sidewalk.

"What are these horses doing all lined up in a row?" asked Olcadan.

"Dude…I know what this is! It's a parking space! You bring your horse up to the sidewalk and then…ooooooh, dude, look, it's a meter maid!"

Lo and behold, Ivy was walking alongside the parking meters as a meter maid.

"Dude…she's hot." Said Lizardman, pointing and drooling.

"Excuse me, miss," said Olcadan, "but my friend here is stupid and I don't really trust everything he says. So could you please explain to me what's going on here?"

"I'm checking the parking meters to see if they've expired. If they've expired, the person who parked there gets a ticket and a fine." Said Ivy.

"Expire from what?" asked Olcadan.

"From running out of money. You have to put money into the meter according to how long you're parking, and if you've been away longer then you've paid, I give them a ticket. Get it?" Ivy left to check the other meters.

"Dude, you think she'd go out with me?" asked Lizardman.

"Lizardman, people put money in these things?" asked Olcadan, pointing to one of the meters.

"Yeah…"

"Money! Just what we need to pay off Raphael!" said Olcadan. He began to hatch a cunning plan…

Talim had been dismissed from the castle with the baby duck and its parents in tow after telling Raphael what he wanted to know.

"I love kittens and flowers!" said Talim.

"Yes, yes, that's already been established, goodbye." Said Amy, shoving her out the door.

Raphael had climbed to the highest tower of his castle, where he had made his own elbow blades similar to Talim's, albeit very haphazardly made of cardboard tubes and duct tape, with the words "Raphael's evil wind makers of doom" scribbled in crayon on the sides. He was getting ready to try controlling the wind as Amy came up.

"Daddy, we need to get an elevator for the castle or something, because there's just way too many stairs to climb up."

"Amy, my poppet! I am about to control the weather! No one will be able to stand in my way! NYAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Do you ever get tired of doing evil laughs?" asked Amy.

"When you grow up to be an evil villain like me, Amy, you grow enormous lungs capable of long inhuman laughter!"

"Well, that explains a lot…" said Amy.

"AH HA HA HAAAAA! LOOK OUT, WORLD! PREPARE FOR AN OBLIVION FOR WHICH THERE IS NO PREPERATION!"

Down below, the villagers of the nearby town had began gathering, pointing up to the castle at the spectacle that was unfolding as storm clouds began gathering above the castle.

"What's going on?" asked one villager.

"It's just our evil French vampire-like ruler hatching more plans for world domination. Again." Answered another.

"Oh. When he fails miserably, let me know." Said the first villager.

"Sure thing, buddy," said the other.

It was night in the town. Most of the streets were empty, with the exception of two half-animal guys. Olcadan was carrying a hacksaw and Lizardman had a bag to store the money.

"You know, I think it's a little too obvious of what we're trying to do when you've painted a huge money sign on the bag." Said Olcadan.

"Dude! What if we, like, get sick and we have to get a barf bag, but we accidentally use this one instead? I put the money sign on the bag to make sure we don't forget it has the money in it, man!"

"I'm pretty sure we'd remember. Or at least I would. Heck, you know what? You carry the hacksaw, and I'll carry the bag."

"Dude…I just noticed how shiny that thing is…"

"On second thought, I'll carry both."

They snuck up to the nearest Parking Meter.

"Keep an eye out, while I try to break open the Meter, okay?" said Olcadan, readying his hacksaw.

"10-4, dude, I'll watch for any suspicious activity. In fact, if I see anything, I'll send out my secret signal!"

"Secret Signal?"

"If I see a cop, I'll go 'ca-caw ca-caw'! If it's just a cat I'll say 'hoot-hoot'!"

"Now that's just stupid. And I think it's a rip-off of an old movie. Now, would you please just keep an eye out and shut up?"

Olcadan started sawing the top off of the meter. An hour later, he hadn't made much progress.

"Crap, this thing's hard!" said Olcadan, wiping sweat off of his face.

Lizardman was starting to fall asleep. Suddenly he saw movement around the corner. He had to warn the Owl-headed dude! But which signal should he use?

"Almost halfway…" said Olcadan.

"Dude!" said Lizardman.

"What now?" asked Olcadan, continuing to saw.

"I see a something!"

"That's the moon, Lizardman." Said Olcadan.

"No, it's another something!"

What?" Olcadan turned around to see…

"Hello, boys." Said Ivy.

"We've been busted by the Man!" said Lizardman.

Ivy glared at him.

"Um…I mean the WO-man."

"Crap…" said Olcadan.

"Amy, my dear!" said Raphael, "These peasants will soon taste oblivion! Which tastes just like tomato juice! Which tastes disgusting!"

"So, get on with it already." Said Amy.

As lightning raged across the skies, Raphael raised his homemade elbow blades above his head.

"I COMAND YE, FORCES OF NATURE! GRANT ME….AN EVIL WIND!" Screamed Raphael.

The Elbow blades ignited into blue flames., the wind picked up, rain fell from the sky, and then suddenly…

FRRT.

"What? What was that?" said Raphael.

"Well, you wanted an evil wind," said Amy, "And you got it. PHEW!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Raphael, completely embarrassed.

Somewhere, the Azure Nightmare began laughing.

* * *

_Tune in for more fun! Please review and send in ideas for the story!_


	4. Doing Hard Time

GIVE ME MONEY!

By Ryu-Gi

_Disclaimer: All copyrighted franchises and all items related to them that are mentioned within this Fan Fiction are all the intellectually property of their respected owners. Also I highly recommend that you never try any of these stunts either. So I don't get sued, you know?_

Chapter 4: Doing Hard Time

"Noooooobody knows the trouble I've seeeeeeeeeen, nooooobody knooooooows my sorrooooooooooows…"

"Will you shut up, Lizardman!" yelled Olcadan.

Olcadan and Lizardman were in jail for tampering with the Parking Meters, having been caught by meter maid Ivy.

"It's the only prison song I know, dude." Said Lizardman.

"Yeah, well, singing it all night is REALLY starting to get on my nerves." Said Olcadan.

"Hey, quiet in there!" yelled a very grumpy prison guard. Who just happened to be Taki.

"New one coming in!" said another guard, who just happened to be Mitsurugi. He was bringing in a new inmate. Who just happened to be Rock.

"Uh oh…" said Lizardman.

"What wrong this time?" asked Olcadan.

"Dude! This dude is huge, man! He looks like he could seriously waste us, man!"

Mitsurugi threw Rock into the cell and locked it. Rock sat down on the bench opposite of Olcadan and Lizardman.

"Hi." Said Rock.

"DON'T HURT US, DUDE!" Screamed Lizardman, diving into the corner.

"What's up with him?" Asked Rock.

"Too many mushrooms." Answered Olcadan.

"Ah."

"Yes."

"Mm-hmm."

"Okay."

"Yeah."

"Right."

There was a long silence, which was only broken by Lizardman whimpering in the corner.

* * *

Back at Raphael's Castle, the evil French vampire was not having a good day.

"Amy! We're out of evil cupcakes!" said Raphael.

"Oh, drat, now what will we do?" said Amy sarcastically.

"I need evil cupcakes for the evil party I'm holding! You can't have an evil party without Evil cupcakes! It's just not done!" Raphael pouted.

"So go into town and get some more." Said Amy, not looking up from her issue of the New Yorker.

"But…but…I can't go into town! I'm the evil ruler of this Romanian Valley! If I go into town I'll be sinking down to the level of a common peasant!"

"Well, daddy, sometimes you've just got to suck up your pride and do things that you really wish you wouldn't do in order to get things done."

"But I don't wanna!"

"Then your party will have no cupcakes."

"EVIL! Evil cupcakes! You forgot to say Evil cupcakes! There's a big difference!"

"Whatever. Tell you what. I'll come with you and keep you company. That okay?"

"Humph." Said Raphael, folding his arms and pouting again.

* * *

"…It makes no sense, you know? Why is it that if you sodomize someone, they're gonna throw you in a jail cell with another guy who's gonna sodomize you?" said Rock.

"I see…" said Olcadan, nodding.

"Not that I did that sort of thing, mind you."

"Of course not!" said Olcadan, waving his hands.

"It's just a very weird logic these guys have, you know what I'm saying?"

"Agreed." Said Olcadan.

"Owl-head, dude!" said Lizardman, who had finally come out of his corner a minute or so ago.

"What is it now?"

"We've gotta get out of here, man! The Man's trying to put us down, dude! He's making the walls close in on us with his mind! Help! I can't breathe, dude!"

Lizardman began flailing his arms, legs, and tail around as if he was having a seizure.

"Should we help him?" asked Rock.

"Nah. Give him a few minutes and he'll fall asleep on his own." Said Olcadan.

"Seriously, though, he's right, we've gotta get out of here somehow." Said Rock, "I've got a kid to take care of."

"And how exactly do we go around doing that?"

"No idea." Said Rock, shrugging.

"Hey, I know!" said Lizardman, waking up suddenly. "Ever see the movie 'Shanghai Noon'?"

"What?" asked Olcadan.

"In the movie, Jackie Chan's in jail, so he rips some of his shirt off and pees all over it!"

"What the…?"

"Then, he, like, uses it to pry the pars wide enough to slip through, man!"

"But we have no cloth," said Olcadan, "The only cloth in this cell is Rock's…"

All eyes suddenly dropped to Rock's private area.

"Uh-oh…" whimpered Rock.

"Rock, We need to borrow your loincloth." Said Olcadan.

* * *

"Welcome to Wal-Mart, how may I help you?" asked Seong Mi-Na.

"QUEIT, IMPUDENT PEASEANT!" screamed Raphael.

"Daddy...inside voice, please." Said Amy.

"I WILL EAT YOUR HEART AND CRAP OUT YOUR SOUL!" Screamed Raphael.

"EEEEEKKK! THAT SOUNDS BOTH SCARY AND DISTURBING!" screamed Seong Mi-Na, who then ran away.

"Daddy, this isn't how we practiced." Said Amy.

"Amy, can't you feel it! The evil energy within this store is immense! I can't help myself!"

"Well, it is Wal-Mart, after all." Said Amy.

"This place is perfect for stocking up on my Evil supplies!" said Raphael, "Onwards! To find my Evil Cupcakes!"

Raphael grabbed a shopping cart and hopped in.

"What are you doing?" asked Amy.

"I'm commandeering this carriage! Now get someone to push me!"

Amy sighed, and grabbed a nearby employee. Who just happened to be Yunsung.

"Push the cart." Instructed Amy.

"What? I'm not quite sure it's store policy that we push customers around…"

"DO IT, YOU FOOL!" screeched Raphael, 'OR I WILL EAT YOUR HEART AND CRAP OUT YOUR SOUL!"

"Okay, okay, chill out, I'll do it!" said Yunsung. He began pushing the cart.

"Go faster and make airplane noises!" demanded Raphael.

"This is going to be a long day…" said Yunsung.

* * *

Things were running smoothly in the Jail cell. Rock had hid in the corner while Lizardman stood in front of him in order to help keep him covered. Lizardman had also contributed by volunteering to be the one to urinate all over Rock's loincloth. And the floor, too, apparently, as a bonus.

"Here you go, dude." Said Lizardman, holding out the soiled loincloth to Olcadan.

"What! No way! I'm not touching that!" said Olcadan.

"It's all organic, man, so you know it's clean!"

"I don't care if it's organic, it's…your…stuff!"

"Okay, man, but you've got to cover the big hairy dude for me."

"I feel a draft!" said Rock.

"PLEASE NO DETAILS!" screamed Olcadan, going over to Rock's corner to cover him while Lizardman approached the bars. He wrapped the loincloth around the bars and twisted, making a horrible squelching noise and dripping Lizardman's "stuff" as Olcadan had affectionately called it all over the place. After much more squelching and dripping, the bars finally gave way, just like in Shanghai Noon.

"Okay, dudes!" said Lizardman. "Let's bust this joint! Freedom! It tastes so sweet! Just like the mushrooms…"

Lizardman was the first out, allowing Olcadan to lead Rock out.

"YAI!" screamed Rock.

"What happened, dude?"

"The bars! They're very cold!"

"I SAID NO DETAILS!" screamed Olcadan again. Which coincidently caught the attention of the sleeping Taki.

"Freeze, miscreants! You can't escape from…" started Taki. And then she noticed Rock's lack of…ahem.

"Oh, yeah, right dude!" said Lizardman, grabbing the loincloth off of the bars. Then all three ran for their lives, leaving a very surprised Taki behind.

A few blocks away from the jail, Olcadan grabbed both Lizardman and Rock.

"We will never speak of this moment again, savvy?" he said gravely.

"No problem here, dude." Said Lizardman.

"Yes. Never again. Now can we please find me some pants!" said Rock.

* * *

"That was fun!" said a very happy Raphael, exiting the Wal-Mart with a cart filled with various evil baked goods and assorted evil candies.

"You know, you didn't need to make the guy in there give you a piggyback ride through the toys aisle." Said Amy.

"But it was fun and that's what matters most!" said Raphael. He offered a half-eaten evil lollipop to his foster daughter. "Want one?"

"No thanks, I'm good." Said Amy, once again savoring the fact that she was adopted.

* * *

_Sorry there are no schemes in this one, but there will be next time! Now to answer some reviews!_

**DragonDillion**: Thanks! But no, Lizardman's afraid of jobs...

**Blazing Fool:** Lizardman's not keen on getting a job, remember? And yeah, I like doing the Raphael parts, too.

**krizzygirl206**: The first one shows promise! Maybe...

**Kitty Gaby**: Thanks, I like that part too!

**hiphopd**: I know he dosen't, but hey, it's a parody. I can do whateverI want! WAHAHAA!

_That's all for now, tune in next time!_


	5. Laundry Loopholes

GIVE ME MONEY!

By Ryu-Gi

_Disclaimer: All copyrighted franchises and all items related to them that are mentioned within this Fan Fiction are all the intellectually property of their respected owners. Also I highly recommend that you never try any of these stunts either. So I don't get sued, you know?_

_Author's Note: Valeria, if you don't recall, is the girl at the Item Shop in SC3. And by the way, that thing she says here about money? It's true._

Chapter 5-Laundry Loopholes

Rock had nowhere to go after the fiasco in the jail, so he decided to tag along with Olcadan and Lizardman for a while, despite his better judgment. The three of them left the town behind and went as far as they could away from it. Needless to say, Taki was relieved of Duty for a while. She seriously needed time off…

The trio was back at the Silk Road Ruins plotting their next scheme.

"Dude! We should, like, rob a bank!" said Lizardman.

"We already did that, numskull." Said Olcadan.

Lizardman went into another mushroom-induced trance.

"Duuuuuude…pancakes are awwwwwwwesoooooooooome…."

"Is he always like this?" asked Rock.

"You have no idea." Said Olcadan.

A few Red Bulls later Lizardman was back in reality, and by that time Rock and Olcadan had come up with the new plan.

"If we can't get any money we'll make our own!" said Rock. "We'll counterfeit!"

Rock explained the process to Olcadan, who immediately set to work on making a printing press for their counterfeit operation. Rock set about getting some paper for them to print the money on. As for Lizardman, he drooled on himself and then called it a day.

* * *

Over at Raphael's evil fortress, the evil French vampire was beginning to wonder about the two half-animal guys that still owed him money. It was taking them an awful long time to pay him back.

"Amy? Where are you?" he commanded.

"I'm standing right next to you, Daddy." Replied Amy.

"Ah, yes, there you are. How long ago was it that those two freaks stumbled into our café that we planted in the middle of the desert?"

"About a week, I think."

"And this is no use to me at all!" said Raphael, pointing to the Ancient. The dusty old box that he had stolen from Olcadan was currently being used as a paperweight, as Raphael hadn't been able to get it to open for some reason.

"Still not working, huh?" asked Amy.

"No! I've tried everything! I yanked it as hard as I could and I even used my evil crushing mallet! Nothing works!"

"Did you try running it under the sink with warm water?"

"Yes!"

"Here, let me look at this thing," said Amy, taking the Ancient off the stack of papers. She turned it around several times in her hands. And opened it.

"How'd you do that!" yelled Raphael.

"There was a latch on the side. All you had to do was unhook the thing."

"I knew that…"

"Riiiiiight…" said Amy.

"Anyways, put that aside for now, I'll deal with it later. In the meantime, we must make sure those freaks get me my money! I spent a fortune on that Café, and those drinks were the only profit it ever made! I am entitled to that money and I will have it!"

"So why don't you just hire someone to find 'em?"

"Huh?"

"Just hire someone to go after them and get the money from them. You know, like a loan shark."

"Oooh!" squealed Raphael. "It'll be just like in the movies! Amy! Call in someone who can do the job!"

"On it, Daddy," said Amy.

* * *

The printing press was complete. Olcadan looked at his handiwork.

"Well, it looks like these hands aren't just for fighting!" said Olcadan proudly.

"Dude! Other dude!" said Lizardman, strolling in.

"What is it now, Lizardman?" sighed Rock.

"There's like, a problem, man. I like, took the paper that Other Dude brought in? And then, I like, put them in the washer…"

"Washer? What the…!" said Olcadan. All three of them ran over to the Washing Machine in the basement. There were bubbles and wet papers everywhere.

"What did you do this time!" yelled Olcadan.

"I was laundering money."

"What?"

"Yeah, Other dude, like, told me we were gonna launder money and stuff? So he brought in the papers, and I thought, 'dude, wouldn't it be nice if I laundered the papers for him?' so that way I could really do something for the team, you know, man? Really contribute!"

"Yeah, Lizardman. This helps us out a lot. Way to go." Grumbled Olcadan sarcastically.

"Well, failing at that, at least we know have a working bathhouse down here." Said Rock.

A wet pair of underwear floated by Olcadan's leg. He then proceeded to leave the basement right away to clean his leg off with the garden hose.

"Well, this was a complete disaster! Not only did Lizardman manage to flood the entire basement and get all his old laundry all over us, but now we're out of paper, too!" said Olcadan.

"Dude! We could totally, like, go back to that Wal-Mart and get some more paper!" said Lizardman.

"Well, let's see now. Last time we went there, we tried to rob the place. By now they would recognize us next time we go in and would throw us back in jail, where some creepy prison weirdo would make Rock their girlfriend."

"Why me?" asked Rock.

"Think about it, Rock. Take your time." Said Olcadan.

"Dude, since, like, paper comes from trees, we could, like, get a tree and make paper out of it!" said Lizardman.

Olcadan stared at Lizardman. For once, Lizardman had come up with a plausible solution. Which was scary. Mainly because it was coming from Lizardman.

"Okay, new plan then. I build a machine to make wood into paper, Rock, you go cut us down a tree with that giant Mace thingy of yours." Said Olcadan.

"But we're in the middle of the desert. The nearest forest is hundreds of miles away!"

"So look for an oasis or something. There'll be palm trees or something." Said Olcadan.

"Okay…" Rock left to look for an oasis, while Olcadan began making a Paper-making machine. And Lizardman helped himself to another blue mushroom.

* * *

The door of the castle opened. The silhouette of a girl was framed in the entryway.

"You're late." Said Amy, "The boss will not be happy for this."

"Bring me to your boss." Said the girl in the doorway.

Amy led the girl to Raphael's office. Upon opening the door, a huge wall of smoke cascaded out and filled the corridor.

"What the…!" coughed Amy.

"Come on in…" said Raphael.

"What the…Daddy? Where are you? And where did all this smoke come from!" coughed Amy, squinting to see through the smoke.

"Lead her in, dang it! I don't pay you for nothing!"

"You don't pay me at all!" said Amy.

"Okay, fair enough, we'll talk later, just bring her in." grumbled Raphael.

Amy fanned the air in front of her, finding a chair and letting the girl sit down in it. After groping around for a few moments, Amy finally found Raphael's side of the table.

"You come to my humble abode. You don't bring no presents, you don't bring me no cup of coffee…" said Raphael in a very fake sounding Italian accent.

"What is this? Are you doing Godfather imitations again?" asked Amy.

"Shut up." Said Raphael, dropping the voice. "Anyways, straight to the point. I have a few people who owe me money and I need you to find them so I can get that money. Got it?"

"At what price?" asked the girl.

"I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse…" said Raphael, continuing his blatant Godfather charade, "…how you say…a lifetime supply of bird food for all those birds that are always following you?"

"Sounds fair." Said the girl.

"Amy, lead our good friend Tira out. She's got us a few unpaid debts to take care of." said Raphael.

Amy Lead Tira out. The moment the two were out of sight, Raphael began coughing violently. He had been holding it in the whole time.

* * *

The top of a palm tree suddenly rammed Olcadan in the rear.

"Whaaaaa! Watch where you're sticking that thing! And what in blazes took you so long!" said Olcadan.

"NEED WATER NOW." Said Rock, dropping the palm tree and running for the bathroom.

"Lizardman, while Rock's busy rehydrating himself, can you please contribute and put the tree into the paper making machine!"

Lizardman snapped out of his latest trance to pick up the tree and feed it into the machine, but not before he snatched the coconuts off it, saving them for an art project later.

A little later, after much work, the paper produced by the paper machine was fed into the money printer, which then expelled fresh new paper money.

"YES! FINALLY! WE HAVE MONEY!" Exclaimed Olcadan, "Now, all we have to do is trade it in for real money and pay off Raphael!"

A few hours later found the trio at a local supermarket. Olcadan was buying milk, Rock was buying an issue of the New Yorker and Lizardman bought a pancake mix. The conveyor belt was awfully slow.

"Paper of plastic?" asked the employee at the cash register. Who just happened to be Valeria.

"We'll be paying with paper, not a credit card." Said Olcadan. Rock then elbowed him in the side.

"He means paper bags."

"Ow! What was that for?" said Olcadan.

Lizardman was too busy staring at Valeria to notice what was going on.

Valeria put the items in the paper bags and then did nothing for several seconds.

"Well?" she eventually said.

"What?" asked Olcadan.

"Aren't you gonna pay me?"

"I'd love to pay you…" mumbled Lizardman. Rock then elbowed him in the side as well, only harder.

"Here you go…" said Olcadan, beginning to sweat. He pulled out a few bills of their homemade counterfeit money and handed it to Valeria.

"Thank you." She said, taking the money. Then she suddenly stopped.

"What is it?" asked Rock.

"Excuse me one moment." Said Valeria. "Are you guys counterfeiters?"

"What! Pfft. No, of course not!" said Olcadan, laughing nervously.

"They're so…enormous…" mumbled Lizardman.

"You're a pig." Said Valeria to Lizardman. She then turned to Olcadan. "This is counterfeit money. And very badly counterfeited, I might add."

"What! No! Those are one-hundred percent genuine bills!" said Rock.

"A little hint? Next time, don't print your money on paper. Real money is actually printed on pressed cotton threads, idiot."

"Aw, crap…" muttered Olcadan.

"SECURITY!" screamed Valeria.

"RAIN OF BLOOD SHALL RAIN DOWN TODAY!" screamed the security guard. Who, obviously, was Astaroth.

"Can I have your number? Cause I can't remember mine." Said Lizardman.

Valeria slapped Lizardman.

"RUNNING TIME!" Yelled Olcadan.

Rock grabbed Lizardman and the three of them bolted.

* * *

_A bonus character this time appearing as a guest star! How about that?_

_Press that purple button and review!_


	6. Violated Volunteers

GIVE ME MONEY!

By Ryu-Gi

_Disclaimer: All copyrighted franchises and all items related to them that are mentioned within this Fan Fiction are all the intellectually property of their respected owners. Also I highly recommend that you never try any of these stunts either. So I don't get sued, you know?_

Chapter 6- Violated Volunteers

Tira's eyes scanned the skies. It had been an hour since she'd let her watcher scour the town. From atop the roof of the high tower, she panned her vision downwards to try looking for him in the streets. She found the bird, with it's feathers as dark as a moonless night, perched upon an upturned cart that belonged to a street merchant. Various multicolored fruits and vegetables had been scattered about. The merchant himself was busy cleaning up the mess. The raven, however, was busy pulling something out of the side of the cart. It had gotten itself wedged in a crack.

Finally, a clue to her target at last. She giggled with anticipation as the dark bird stretched its vast wings and took to the skies, returning to her, it's unnatural red eyes glinting in the sunlight. Tira held out her arm, her pet landing on it gracefully like a piece of torn silk. It its beak it held the item which it had retrieved from the upturned peddler's cart. Tira held out her other hand, and the bird dropped it into her outstretched palm.

It was a single white feather. But unlike a normal feather it was unnaturally large. There was a faint hint of something in it that made Tira's body quiver. She held it to her face, closing her eyes and deeply inhaling whatever traces of the owner of the feather had left behind. She visualized the target in her mind.

"People are most beautiful…right before they die…" Tira whispered. Raising her head to the sky, she laughed maniacally.

* * *

"Aw, crap…" said Olcadan.

"What?" said Rock from the couch.

"Lizardman's got his head stuck in the toilet."

"Well, at least it's our toilet this time."

"Word up."

"Gurgleburdle-bleh!" said Lizardman.

Rock got off the sofa, grabbed Lizardman by the tail, and yanked him out of the toilet.

"Yow! Watch it man, you're gonna yank my tail off, dude!" said Lizardman. He took his tail in his hands and began rubbing it.

"So…" said Olcadan, sitting down. "Do we have a new plan yet?"

"Actually, I've got one this time," said Rock, pulling out a newspaper. He handed it to Olcadan and pointed to an ad in the classifieds that Rock had circled with a red marker.

"I'm desperate and am looking for a good man…read Olcadan. "What is this…?"

"What? Oh, sorry, wrong one…that's mine…" said Rock, grabbing the newspaper and circling a different ad. He then handed it back to Olcadan.

"Drug test volunteering?" questioned Olcadan.

"All we have to do is go in, get injected with whatever stuff they have, and then get paid! It'll be a piece of cake!" said Rock.

"You do realize that this stuff is all experimental, right? I mean, for all we know it'll make our heads grow the size of watermelons."

"Dude! That would be awesome!" said Lizardman.

"Exactly how does having an oversized head count as awesome?" asked Olcadan. "Oh, wait, I just remembered who I'm talking to. Never mind."

"Dude! Having a big head means that, like, you have a bigger brain! And that would make you, like, Einstein and stuff! Ooh! Ooh! Or, instead of making your head big, It could make you grow another arm! You'd be the best ping-pong player there ever was, man!"

Olcadan sighed and put his head in his hands.

"Ooh! Ooh! Or, maybe you would become a giant cyborg! Then we'd all be famous because everyone would come to see the giant robot! And then evil spies from a competing company would steal the formula and turn themselves into evil giant cyborgs! Then you could be, like, a superhero and blow them all up with your heat-ray vision! Then the aliens would come, and make clones of them, so they'd be giant mutant alien clone cyborgs from another dimension! Then…!"

Olcadan shoved a blue mushroom into Lizardman's mouth. Lizardman instantly shut up and began sucking on the mushroom.

"So we're all going to get shot up?" asked Olcadan.

"Looks like it." Said Rock.

"Perfect…" said Olcadan, his tone of voice betraying his words.

* * *

Of all the possible people, why'd it have to be him? Why not that other guy? Or that one over there? But wait a minute; they were both here, too, so that made them suffer the same way he was doing now.

Raphael was in jury duty.

Exactly how he, the evil French Vampire super villain, had been dragged into that bleak room filled with many strangers was a mystery. He wished Amy was there. She would know what to do. But she wasn't there. Which meant he was alone on this one. Which really sucked. A lot.

"Sorel, Raphael?" said a very nasal female voice though a loudspeaker.

Raphael fumbled with his paperwork. Had he signed everything? Bah, it didn't matter, he was a super villain! He didn't need to sign stupid paperwork anyway! He approached the front desk.

"Please hand in your paperwork, Mr. Sorel." Said the nasal lady. Which, for once, wasn't a character making a cameo, because the author wanted to add that cameo later in Olcadan's part of the story.

Raphael threw the crumpled mess of documents onto the desk.

"Sir, did you sign everything?" she asked.

"I…um…I think so…" he stuttered. Where had that come from? Why was he suddenly unable to radiate pure evil from his very being?

The lady handed back one of the documents.

"Sir, under 'name', you put 'Mount Rushmore'. Unless you're a mountain with giant president heads carved into it, I don't think that's you're real name. You need to write in your real one, sir."

"Um…okay…sorry, I…um…was nervous…" grimacing, he took the paper back over to his seat. He pulled out a pen and began crossing out "Mount Rushmore". He sighed. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

It was going to be a long day for the trio. According to the papers they had been handed upon arriving at the hospital, the drug that they would be testing was called "Miramase". It was supposed to be an instant cure for migraines. They would have to stay there for a few hours in order for the doctors to monitor any side effects the drug could have.

"This place scares me, man…" said Lizardman, his eyes darting around nervously.

"Fear of hospitals?" asked Rock.

"Dude. I get nightmares about hospitals for some reason. In it, I'm naked and stuff, and this giant guy grabs me by the legs and slaps me on the butt and I start crying…"

Rock became instantly fascinated by the amount of tiles there were on the ceiling.

"The Doctor will see you now." Said the nurse. Who was Xianghua.

"About time." Said Olcadan.

The trio entered into a very plain-looking room, which gave the appearance of being extremely sterile. Every surface of the room was a blinding white color. It reminded Rock of an old folk's home, only cleaner, and without scent of urine.

"HEEEEEEYYYYY KIDS!" screamed a voice.

"HEEEEYYYY, DUDE!" responded Lizardman.

The Doctor walked in. Who happened to be Kilik.

"HOW ARE WE ALL FEELING TODAY!" Screamed Kilik.

"Fine, but we'd be better if you would stop screaming in our faces," said Olcadan.

"Is there something wrong with your voice?" asked Rock.

"I HAVE A VERY RARE DISORDER! FOR SOME REASON I CAN ONLY SPEAK VERY LOUDLY!" Responded Doctor Kilik.

"So how's this work? You're gonna stick us with a needle or something?" asked Olcadan, holding out his arm.

"ONLY YOU WILL GET THE NEEDLE! THE OTHERS WILL GO TAKE ALTERNATVE MEANS OF INTRODUCING THE DRUG INTO THEIR BODIES!" Screamed Doctor Kilik, spit spraying out of his mouth like a very leaky fire hydrant. "YOUR FRIENDS CAN CHOOSE BETWEEN THE INHALANT VERSION, OR THE ANAL VERSION!"

"What do you mean, 'anal version'?" Asked Olcadan.

"I call the inhalant one!" said Lizardman.

"What the? Aw, son of a crap…" said Rock.

"ARE THE DRUGS READY FOR ADMINISTERING!"

"Yes, Doctor Kilik!" said Nurse Xianghua. She wheeled in a cart with several items on it. One was a huge three-foot long needle. The second, what looked like an ordinary inhalant device, and finally, a single sterile latex glove with what looked like a very large probe next to it.

"You first." Said Rock, nudging Olcadan. "Please."

* * *

"So what're your excuse?" asked a guy next to Raphael.

"What?"

"I said, what's your excuse for getting out of here? I'm saying that I had a heart attack. You?"

"I have no need to come up with an excuse! I am Raphael Sorel, the man who defeated the Azure Nightmare! I am the ruler of my own Valley in Romania! I EAT THE UNHAPPINESS OF MEN! THE WORLD WILL BE MINE! WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

Raphael let his words sink in.

"Oh, I see, you're going to say you're insane. Got it." Laughed the man.

"Jerk." Mumbled Raphael.

* * *

A few painful moments later, the trio was now seated in chairs. Doctor Kilik and Nurse Xianghua had retreated to a room behind mirrored glass to observe the effects of the drugs on them.

"Hey, you okay Rock?" asked Olcadan.

"I'm okay!" said Rock in a very high, squeaky voice.

"HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" Yelled Lizardman.

"What the…? Lizardman, you feeling okay?" asked Olcadan.

"Dude! I gotta pee! Really bad! Right now!" said Lizardman, crossing his legs and hopping around.

"I feel…pretty!" said Rock.

"What…!"

"…oh so pretty!" sand Rock.

"Oh, good heavens above, please no…" said Olcadan, sighing heavily.

"I feel pretty! And witty!" sang Rock.

"AND GAYYYYYYY!" sang Lizardman.

"ARRGH! MAKE IT STOP!" screamed Olcadan, covering his ears.

"SEE THAT PRETTY GIRL IN THE MIRROR THERE!" sang Rock.

"WHAT MIRROR WHERE!" added Lizardman, continuing to hop around with his legs crossed.

Olcadan pounded on the mirrored glass.

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!" he yelled.

It was too bad that the doctor and nurse weren't actually paying attention to the chaos that was occurring in the test room. They were too busy making out. Violently.

"SUCH A PRETTY SMILE SUCH A PRETTY FACE SUCH A PRETTY MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" sang Rock, doing a back flip at the same time. Which wasn't pretty considering he was wearing a loincloth.

Lizardman was busy trying to sit on top of the water fountain in the corner to continue singing the next part of the song. As for Olcadan, he was pounding his head against the wall as his feathers started to turn blue…

* * *

About seven hours later, Raphael was still waiting to be called. So far all that had happened was that they'd been trying to select members of the jury panel, without much luck.

He was just about ready to fall asleep…in fact his eyes were steadily drooping…

"Raphael Sorel?"

"Wake me up in five more minutes, mommy…" muttered Raphael.

"RAPHEAL SOREL!" Said the lady firmly.

"I'm awake! I'm awake!" said Raphael.

"Mr. Sorel, please sit down in one of the juror seats, please?"

Raphael, still half-asleep, stumbled over to the chair, and tried to sit down but missed the chair entirely and landed flat on his bum. Blushing, him climbed into his chair. Only to fall over again.

"Mr. Sorel, do you need assistance in sitting down in the chair?" asked the judge.

"No, I'm good…" said Raphael, finally sitting down. Only to have the chair break under him.

"Mr. Sorel, do you have any problems mentally?" asked the Judge.

"No! How dare you insinuate that I am stuperd…I mean stupid!" said Raphael, speaking so fast that he mixed up his words.

"Guard, please remove Mr. Sorel. He is excused on account of his apparent mental disorder…"

"Right this way, sir." said the guard, helping Raphael off the floor and leading him to the doorways at the back of the courtroom.

* * *

"Let's see…apparently, the drug has many extreme side effects-hair, or in this case, feathers, will turn blue. The bladder will also lose control, and also causes some brain damage which leaves the user feeling very loony afterwards." Said nurse Xianghua, straightening her hair.

"YES, AND IT SEEMS OUR SUBJECTS HAVE ALL PASSED OUT AS WELL!" said Doctor Kilik, adjusting his tie.

"Shall I have security remove them?"

"BE SURE TO GIVE THEM THE MEMORY ERASING DRUG BEFORE YOU DO! IF THEY DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED, WE WON'T HAVE TO PAY THEM!"

Olcadan woke up with a huge headache. He couldn't remember a thing. Where was he? And why was he holding a corn dog?

His only option was to blame Lizardman. Stupid Lizardman.

* * *

_Review, and I'll do another chapter! The awesome Kirby demands you do it!_ (o)>


	7. Rob Bob

GIVE ME MONEY!

By Ryu-Gi

_Disclaimer: All copyrighted franchises and all items related to them that are mentioned within this Fan Fiction are all the intellectually property of their respected owners. Also I highly recommend that you never try any of these stunts either. So I don't get sued, you know?_

* * *

Chapter 7-Rob Bob

At the Silk Road Shrine, Lizardman had come up with another plan.

"Okay, so, like, one time, I heard that there was this guy, right? They called him Bob. Old man Bob."

"How original." Said Olcadan sarcastically.

"And, he like, was an awesome swordsman, right? So he, like, found the legendary treasure of the swordsman's grave, right? So he took it all home and hid it!" Said Lizardman excitedly.

"Let me get this straight," said Rock, "We're going to have to go into this guy's house and find his treasure?"

"It'll be like a quest, man! Okay, Rock dude, you can be our fighter, Owl-head dude can be our healer, and I'll be the wise sage, Lizard-zilla!"

"There are so many things wrong with that sentence that I don't even want to correct you." Said Olcadan.

"Lizard-Zilla?" questioned Rock.

"Well, it's something," said Olcadan, "So where does this Old man Bob guy live?"

In only a few minutes, the trio was off again on another quest to get money.

* * *

Back over at Raphael's castle in the Romanian valley, Amy's right foot was drumming a tattoo into the floor. Her adopted father had called her downstairs to his evil laboratory earlier, with news of a new plan to take over the world. The reason for Amy's impatience was due partially from the fact that she was approaching her special time of the month, and partially because the door was locked, and she couldn't get in yet.

"Are you done in there yet, daddy?" asked Amy.

There was then a loud crash followed by rapid swearing in French.

"Are you okay in there?" asked Amy.

"SONUVAMONKEYBUTT!"

"I'll take that as a no." said Amy, pulling out a gift card for "Evil-Torture-Devices-'R'-Us" Raphael had given her for her birthday and using it to undo the lock. Inside was a postman's worst nightmare-thousands of letters were arranged throughout the lab in untidy piles. In the corner, Raphael was busy trying to pull himself out from under a stack of letters that had fallen on top of him.

"Wow. Looks dangerous. I wonder if life insurance covers death by paper cut?" said Amy.

"For the love of evil, help me out of this infernal pile of letters!" said Raphael.

"So what is all this, anyway?" asked Amy after helping him out from under the pile.

"This," said Raphael, his hand sweeping across the laboratory, "Is my ultimate plan for world domination! I call it…a Mail Chain!"

"You mean a Chain Letter, right?"

"No, it's a mail chain! Within every one of these letters is a request to donate money to the "Kittens and Flowers" charity! People who get them will put money in and send it to another person, who will also put money in, and send it to another person who will put money, and send it to another person who will put money in, and soon everybody will be sending money to us! And since there are thousands of these letters that will be circulating the planet, weaving our web of unspeakable evil, we will be rich beyond anything imaginable! And with this limitless money we TAKE OVER THE WORLD! HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOO!"

"First of all, since when is a Santa laugh an evil laugh, and number two, that IS a chain letter."

"No! I said it's a Mail chain, so it's not a chain letter! Stop making up stuff! Now, let's get these letters to the post office and begin mailing them! Soon, we will be filthy rich!"

"Or just filthy." Said Amy.

"Oh, shut up." Said Raphael.

* * *

"Dudes, are we there yet?" asked Lizardman.

"No." said Olcadan for the umpteenth time.

"Are we there yet?" he asked again a moment leter.

"No." repeated Olcadan.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"NOOOOOOO!" Screamed Olcadan. "IDIOTS DO VEX MEEEEEE!"

Rock splashed Olcadan in the face with water from his canteen.

"Thank you." Said Olcadan, wiping himself off, " I needed that."

"Dude…in the words of Nefertiti, 'not tonight, it's my pyramid'."

"How the crap is that relevant?" asked Olcadan.

"Man, I just wanna inspire people. You know, help enrich the lives of others. Live the dream, dudes!"

"No you're not, you fool! You're just doing pee-pee-ka-ka, no substance!" screamed Olcadan.

Rock splashed Olcadan again.

"Gah, that's enough…let's just everybody shut up for the remainder of the trip, okay?" Asked Olcadan.

* * *

Raphael was pushing a wheelbarrow full of his "Mail Chain" letters through the streets of the village beyond the castle. Amy got the short end of the stick by having to help him carry the wheelbarrow up the stairs of the Post Office building.

"Just how many letters did you put in here anyways?" grunted Amy.

"I lost count somewhere past ten!" Raphael grunted back.

"That explains a lot…" muttered Amy under her breath.

They finally managed to wheel the letters into the building, and up to the desk.

"We'd like to mail all of these." Said Amy.

"All of them?" asked the lady working behind the desk. Who just happened to be Hualin.

"Every single last one of them!" said Raphael.

"Are these all out of town?" Asked Hualin.

"No, they're right here, can't you see that!" Yelled Raphael.

"She means are they going out of town." Said Amy, sighing heavily.

"What? Oh, then yes! They are all going out of town!" Said Raphael. "Out, into the world, in order to bring forth a wave of unspeakable atrocities the world has never yet seen! THE WORLD WILL BE MINE! NYAHAHAHAHAHA! Pardon my enthusiasm."

"I don't suppose you've read our no-mailing list?" Asked Hualin.

"Heh!" said Raphael, questioningly.

"Over there, we have poster with a list of things that can't be mailed."

Amy tore the poster off the wall and brought it over for Raphael to read.

"Let's see here…" said Raphael, pulling out a pair of reading glasses. "no explosives, no sharp objects, no gases under pressure…no doomsday plans! Since when is that a law!"

"Wait, there's an asterisk next to it," said Amy. She pointed to the bottom of the poster. "This new law is now put into effect due to the occupation of the castle by a crazy guy who wants to take over the world."

"CURSES!" screamed Raphael.

* * *

The house was old and moldy. Kinda like Lizardman's sock drawer.

This is Bob's house? Dosen't look like much." Said Olcadan.

"Trust me dude, it's, like, booby-trapped and stuff." Said Lizardman.

"Well, let's do this, then!" said Rock. "What's the plan?"

"Okay, I'm just going to guess that the front lawn is probably rigged with some sort of trap, so Rock, I'm going to need you to throw me across." Said Olcadan.

"Alright," said Rock, grabbing Olcadan, "Then LET'S SEE YOU FLY!"

Rock threw Olcadan as hard as he could. Which just happened to be a little too hard.

"Wow." Said Lizardman. "He made a pretty big hole in that window."

"Ow." Said Olcadan.

"Dude! You alright in there?"

"Oh, sure everything's just peachy." Responded Olcadan. "Nothing like being thrown straight trough a window and landing in front of a dog that's foaming at the mouth to make you feel alive."

"GRRRRRR!" growled the dog.

"Nice puppy. Easy boy, don't wanna wake up old man Bob…" said Olcadan, getting up slowly.

"WHO IN DE FLIPPIN' DOO DAH DAY IZZAT!" yelled a voice.

"Oh, crap, dude! It's old man Bob!" said Lizardman.

"Running time!" said Rock. The two made like a banana and split.

"What! Guys! Don't leave me in here!" Yelled Olcadan.

Just then, an old guy with a rubber chicken came into the room.

"WHO IZ DAT!" He wheezed. "ARE YOU DAH PIZZA BOY! AH AIN'T ORDERING YO DIRTY PIES NO MORE!"

"What!" yelled Olcadan.

"GET YO DIRTY PIES OFFA MY PROPERTY! OH ELSE YA GETS DA RUBBAH CHIKIN' OF DOOM!"

"I'm outta here!" Olcadan ran for the door, only to be stopped by the dog. "Aw, crap…"

"IT'S RUBBAH CHIKIN' TIME!" yelled Olda Man Bob.

"That's it. If I survive this, Liardman's dead." Muttered Olcadan.

* * *

_I still need plenty of suggestions, guys. If you've got an idea for a sceme for Olcadan and company to hatch, submit it in a review now!_


	8. The Totally Awesome Rescue Mission

GIVE ME MONEY!

By Ryu-Gi

Disclaimer: All copyrighted franchises and all items related to them that are mentioned within this Fan Fiction are all the intellectually property of their respected owners. Also I highly recommend that you never try any of these stunts either. So I don't get sued, you know?

* * *

Chapter 8-The Totally Awesome Rescue Mission

"Dude! We've gotta save the Owl-head dude!" Yelled Lizardman, waving his arms around.

"This is all my fault! I threw him too hard! Curse my overly huge and excessively manly muscles!" said Rock, breaking down and crying.

The two had retreated to the shade of a nearby oasis. Olcadan was still trapped in Old Man Bob's shack.

"Dude! We gotta do, like, a rescue mission, man! We've gotta, like, bust in there, and pull our buddy outta there!"

"I'm such a doofus! I'm an idiot! I'm like a lemonade stand in a snowstorm-useless! I'm…"

Lizardman slapped Rock with his tail.

"SNAP OUT OF IT, DUDE!"

"Thanks. I needed that. So what's the plan for busting Olcadan out?"

"I don't know yet, man, but Owl-head dude should hold tight-because I'm gonna plan the biggest and bestest rescue mission in the history of rescue missions!"

Inside Old Man Bob's Shack, Olcadan had curled up in the fetal position and had begun rocking back and forth in the corner.

"I'm a little tea pot, short and stout…" Sang Olcadan softly to himself.

"QUIT SINGING THAT DEVIL MUSIC YOU YOUNG FOLKS KEEP LISTENING TOO!" Screamed Old Man Bob. "I CAN'T HEAR DR. PHIL!"

"…here is my handle, here is my spout…" continued Olcadan.

"YOU DANG HIPPEE! GO GET A JOB!"

"…when the water's boiling, hear me shout…"

"NO SHOUTIN'! DR. PHIL'S ON! DO I HAVE TO REPEAT EVERYTHING TO YOU DANG KIDS! IN ONE AR AND OUT THE OTHER! KIDS THESE DAYS AIN'T GOT NO RESPECT!"

"…tip me over and pour me out!"

"AND STOP THE INNUENDO! YOU BARBARIAN!"

"Please don't hurt me!" whimpered Olcadan.

"YOU IN TROUBLE NOW, BOY! IN MY DAY, IF YOU GOT IN TROUBLE YOU'D BE WHIPPED WITH A DOG LEASH! AND THE LEASH WOULD HAVE THE SPIKY DOG COLLAR ATTACHED TO IT! AND THE DOG WOULD STILL BE IN IT, TOO!"

The dog in the corner's ears perked up on that one.

* * *

Raphael was investigating The Ancient in his evil laboratory. The various weapons that made up the legendary weapon were scattered across the floor. Raphael took the pencil from behind his ear and scribbled something on a piece of paper.

"Interesting…very interesting…" he said. He then drew an "X" in the lower left corner of the grid. He smiled. He had won again. He was really good at playing this game by himself. Amy just then walked into the lab.

"Any luck?" she asked, taking a bite out of an apple.

"Oh, Amy!" said Raphael, throwing his clipboard away from the table. It ended up hitting the wall, and bouncing off, hitting Raphael in the head.

"Ow." Said Raphael.

"Gracful." Said Amy.

"Thank you." Said Raphael. "Now, all I've figured out so far is that all the weapons are…blue."

"Blue?"

"Yes, Blue."

"And…that's all you've figured out in, what, five hours?"

"Yes."

"Interesting…"

"That's exactly what I thought."

Raphael turned back to the Ancient, and found the one that was shaped like a rapier.

"Hey! This one's cool!" he said, waving it around.

"Don't hurt yourself." Warned Amy, stepping back to avoid getting something chopped off.

"Thrust, parry, advance!" Raphael yelled, performing some very graceful fencing moves.

"Notice anything different when you fight with it?" asked Amy.

"It's so pretty!" squealed Raphael. He was very happy with his new toy.

Amy sighed heavily.

* * *

"What…in blazes…is that thing?" asked Rock.

Lizardman had arrived back near Old Man Bob's Shack with an enormous box that was shaking violently.

"It's a box full of kittens, man!" answered Lizardman.

"And what exactly are we going to do with these kittens?" asked Rock.

Lizardman gave a blank stare. Which is what his face normally looked like, only more so.

"Umm…I kinda forgot…"

Rock looked back at the house. The front lawn looked as if it had never been trimmed. There could be traps hidden in that grass…

All of the sudden, inspiration struck.

"Lizardman, give me the box."

"What?"

"I said, give me the box. I just figured out how we're going to get in there unscathed."

"Okay, dude…" said Lizardman, hading over the box to Rock.

Without warning, Rock reached inside the box, grabbed an armful of kittens, and threw them into the grass.

"WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING, MAN!" Screamed Lizardman.

"Juuuuust wait…" said Rock.

They waited. And then…

BOING!

"MREOOOOWWW!"

A kitten suddenly flew out of the grass.

"OMG!" Screamed Lizardman.

Suddenly, a flurry of kittens began flying out of the grass, bombarding the two a barrage of fur and claws.

"I threw in the kittens to set off all the traps!" Explained Rock, "Now, we're clear! Grab the rest of them and move, move, move!"

"YOU KILLED THE KITTENS, MAN!" Yelled Lizardman. He was going to have nightmares for weeks…

The two ran through the grass as kittens kept going airborne around them.

"WHAT IN DAH POOTY PIE IZ DAT AWFUL RACKET!" Screamed Old Man Bob, inside. "ARE DEM HIGH SCHOOL KIDS TRYING TAH GET FREAKY ON MAH LAWN AGAIN!"

Olcadan's eyes grew wide-a very considerable achievement for someone whose eyes are already very wide. Someone was coming to save him!

"GOT GIT 'IM PUNKIN!" Old Man Bob yelled to his dog.

The dog got up, slipped on its own drool, got up, and ran at the door. It ran straight into it and the poor thing knocked itself out.

"AW, FLAGNAMMIT!" Screamed Old Man Bob, "I GOTTA DO EVERYTHANG MAH OLE SELF, 'FRASKIN!"

Old Man Bob seized what appeared to be a large swordfish from the sink and began swinging it over his head. He then let out a loud, guttural bellow like an ox.

"AYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAA!" Screeched Old Man Bob.

Rock crashed through the door.

"Olcadan! Come on! Run for it!" screamed Rock.

"DUDE! IT'S RAINING PUSSYCATS OUT HERE!" Yelled Lizardman from outside.

It took Olcadan to process what exactly these two new pieces of information entering his head meant. His brain automatically told him to ignore the second and listen to the first one. Olcadan, got up, and made a break for the door.

"OH NOES YOU WILD BOY!" Old Man Bob threw the Swordfish, which landed right in front of where Olcadan would have been if he'd run that last few inches between himself and the door. It had neatly pierced the floor with its elongated nose.

"What the…?" said Rock, "Is that…a fish?"

"OLD MAN BOB GOTTA THING OH TWO UP HIS SLEEVE! GIVE IT UP, YOU POT-BELLIED PIG BOY!" He readied another Swordfish and held it over his head.

"NOOOO!" Yelled Lizardman, running in and tackling Old Man Bob.

"RUN! RUN!" Screamed Rock, and both he and Olcadan ran outside.

As the two reached the sidewalk, Lizardman emerged just as the entire hut exploded for no reason.

* * *

Amy had been taking careful notes over the last few minutes. Raphael seemed different somehow. While using the Ancient, he had suddenly become much more agile, his strikes as he lunged with the weapon were all spot-on.

Most interestingly, he had begun emitting some sort of…Amy couldn't quite place it, but the best way to describe it was as some kind of aura. There was a great power there-A dangerous one that, in the wrong hands, could spell disaster.

At this thought, she ran over and stopped Raphael.

"I think I'll just take this from you for now."

"But I was having fun!" cried Raphael.

"Now, father dearest, I think it's my turn to try…"

Amy was cut short by a surge on energy that began coursing through her upon contact with the Ancient…her eyes grew wide. At first, she wasn't sure what to do…but then, she just didn't care…

* * *

"What…the crap…" Olcadan looked upon the smoldering remains of Old Man Bob's hut. "Why would it explode?"

"Because it's dramatic?" asked Rock.

"Okay, just shut up. Let's just go home already. I've seen and heard things no amount of showering will even help me shed the feeling of. But I'm going to try anyway."

"Dude! Outrageous! Stupendous! It was like the best party ever, man!" said Lizardman, kicking his heels in the air. "Except for the kittens."

"Wait, what about the money?" asked Rock

"Forget it. Besides, it probably blew up with the rest of the house." Said Olcadan.

The three turned and walked into the sunset.

"Dude…" said Lizardman, "Which way is home again?"

* * *

Raphael was cowering in the corner. He didn't know what was happeneing, but he did know that he certainly didn't like it. It was even worse then tomato juice. Well…maybe not that bad, but pretty darn close.

"Amy? Poppet? Please stop being mean!" yelled Rapahel.

IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT, FATHER DEAREST. said Amy, in a voice that reverberated and shook the room.

"Why do you have to talk in that scary voice! Stop it!" cried Rapahel, covering his face.

STOP CRYING, YOU FOOL. YOU BELONG TO ME NOW.

"But…! But…! But I'm your daddy!"

"ADOPTED DADDY. REMEMBER?

"Oh! Yeah! That's right!"

NOW, THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE IN THE WAY THINGS ARE RUN. ARE YOU PREPARED?

"No!" cried Raphael.

TOO LATE. WELCOME TO MY WORLD, FATHER DEAREST. GET BUSY.

* * *

_Oooh! What happened to Amy? Find out in the next installment! And be sure to send in your ideas for schemes in reviews!_


	9. Talim Can't Deal With It

GIVE ME MONEY!

By Ryu-Gi

_Disclaimer: All copyrighted franchises and all items related to them that are mentioned within this Fan Fiction are all the intellectually property of their respected owners. Also I highly recommend that you never try any of these stunts either. So I don't get sued, you know?_

* * *

Chapter 9-Talim Can't Deal With It

The trio had decided a fake charity party would probably be their best bet at this point. They decided to make it a barbeque. Just for the sake of simplicity. They decided to set up in a park. They'd spent all morning setting up, and for a patch job by three guys who desperately needed money it looked pretty convincing.

"For a patch job by three guys who desperately need money, it looks pretty convincing." Said Rock.

"Yeah." Said Lizardman.

"Lizardman, may I have a word with you?" said Olcadan, pulling him to the side.

"Dude, what the deal-lee-oh?" asked Lizardman.

"Only a minor concern involving you and the fact that you're trying to barbeque a bunch of blue mushrooms." Said Olcadan, pointing towards the grill.

"So…?" asked Lizardman.

"The grill is supposed to cook FOOD. Not fungi. Especially THAT fungi. Get the mushrooms off the grill and put the meat back on NOW before the guests start coming in."

"Sure thing, dude! I totally understand where you're coming from!" chuckled Lizardman, going over to the grill.

"That would be a first…" mumbled Olcadan.

"Hey Olcadan, here they come!" called Rock.

"Showtime!" said Olcadan, rubbing his hands together.

A small horde of the sort of people who usually attend charity parties began flowing in. Talim was one of them. She went up to meet Rock and Olcadan.

"Smile, and be sure to use an alias!" whispered Olcadan into Rock's ear. He rached out to shake Talim's hand.

"Hi, I'm Jimmy!" said Olcadan, shaking Talim's hand.

"I'm…not!" said Rock, panicking.

"Be kind, rewind!" said Talim, going up and shaking Rock's hand.

"Erm…okay…" said Rock.

Olcadan elbowed Rock. Hard.

"Ow! Hey, I panicked, okay!" said Rock, rubbing his side.

"Be more careful!" hissed olcadan, "We were lucky this time, and with our sort of luck we may not get that kind of luck again for awhile!"

Talim proceeded towards the grill.

"Save the rainforests!" said Talim to Lizardman.

"Dude! I feel the same way!" said Lizardman.

* * *

Back at the Romanian Castle, Raphael was under stress. This was kind of like the time Amy reached puberty…only worse. If that was possible. After Amy had become an evil sorceress whatchamacallit after touching The Ancient, Raphael had been scurrying around various places in order to fufill his adoptive daughter's every whim. Which was hard. Especially the part where he had to get up and do stuff. Which was everything.

This sucked.

FATHER DEAREST! Boomed Amy's voice, shaking the entire castle down to it's foundations.

"WHAT!" yelled Raphael, who was busy attempting to pamper himself by taking a bubble bath complete with fragrant oils and special salts. It was very metrosexual.

HOW GOES PROGRESS ON THE ASSASIN YOU HIRED TO TRACK DOWN THOSE THREE BUFOONS WHO OWE US MONEY!

"I don't know! I haven't heard a thing from her in a week!"

UNACCEPTABLE. YOU MUST SEEK HER OUT AND ENQUIRE OF HER PROGRESS.

"You mean go and look for her! But that sounds like a lot of work!"

THERE WILL BE DIRE RAMIFICATIONS FOR YOUR DISLOYALTY TO ME, FATHER DEAREST. PONDER YOUR RESOLUTIONS ATTENTIVELY.

"What's with all the big words? You haven't been reading books again, have you? If you stare at them too long your brain'll turn to mush!"

SILENCE, PRETENTIOUS IMBICELE! SEEK OUT THE ASSASIN NOW!

"Okay, okay, I'm going, sheesh! This is worse then when Nightmare beat me half to death…"

…FAIL AT THIS AND I'LL BE SURE TO FINISH WHAT HE STARTED.

"That dosen't sound very nice! What have I told you about talking nice!"

GO NOW! screeched Amy.

Suddenly Raphael was jerked out of the bath by an unseen force, and was thrown straight through an open window, down towards the village below, screaming the whole way. Raphael had the fortune to land in a water trough for horses.

Taki was still on leave for recovering from the sight in the jail cell. Her vacation had brought her to this dreary Romanian village. She was just starting to enjoy herself when she saw a naked Rapahel running for cover in the streets.

That afternoon she was wearing a straightjacket and being taken away by men in white coats…

* * *

Things at the fake charity barbeque seemed to be running smoothly enough. The guests were filling up the "Donations Box" that Olcadan had set out earlier with plenty of cash. He decided to check in on it. He opened up the top and his eyes widened more then usual at the sight of the huge wad of cash they had generated. It was more then enough to pay what they owed to that weird French guy! Olcadan began fantasizing about all the things he could do with all the extra money…maybe get himself…a monkey! Yeah, that would be cool. Monkeys were awesome.

"I do beg your pardon good owl-headed sir! But I do have a question to ask you old chap!" said a voice behind him.

Olcadan turned around to see noone. Confused, he looked around.

"I'm down hear, you fool!" said the voice again.

Olcadan looked down to see what looked like a rubber ducky wearing a monocle and a top hat carrying a cane sitting on the grass at his feet.

"Erm…is that you speaking?"

"By jove, yes! My name is Reginald Esquire Oblong the Eleventeenth! But let us set aside these confounded formalities! You may address me as Steve Junior!"

"Steve Junior…?"

"That's it, good sport! Now, kindly respond to this question that I shall ask you now! For what charitable purpose have myself and my other fellow charity-goers submitted large quantities of our hard earned dough towards, now, hmmmm?"

"Erm…the Society of Widows and Orphans…?"

"Ah, yes, my good sir! Very good indeed! I shall refer your organization to my fellow chaps who have daft amounts of money that they like to throw at charities to make themselves look good!"

"Okay…"

"Oh, how I love charity parties! What an excellent excuse to have a party by taking advantage of a current crisis!"

Steve Junior proceeded to waddle away without so much as a "Cheerio, my good sir!"

"Strange fellow…" muttered Olcadan.

Rock then ran up to Olcadan. He was in a panic.

"Olcadan! Come quick!"

"What? What happened?"

"Lizardman…he…!"

"Graaaaah…say no more…"

They both ran over to the grill to find a horrific, yet for any outsider looking at the situation, humorous occurrence.

"Ah…gohnnah tell you whuh…ah'z gonnuh do!" said one guest to Lizardman, "Ah'm goohnuh get meh…a whole box of kittens, see…? Ah' then, ah'm gonna give 'em to a doggeh, so he can have them fo' pets! Yunowhutamsyin!"

"Yeah, wicked cool, dude…" muttered another, who was slumped against the grill, not noticing that his posterior was starting to burn.

"Letz all go tah th' zoo…and throw th' poo-poo at th' MONKEHS! See how THEY feel when th' boot iz ohn th' othah foot!" said another one, swaying side to side.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" Screamed Olcadan.

"I have no clue, dude…" said Lizardman, toddling up to them. "I took the mushrooms off the grill like you said, and then I put the burgers back on again. I cooked 'em, and then I began serving them to everyone…"

"Oh, NO…" said Olcadan, "The mushrooms must have left a residue on the grill…it's tainted all the meat!"

"I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT!" screamed Talim, running up to Rock and grabbing his leg and laughing ecstatically. 'THIS PLACE IS FREAKING ME OUT!"

"What in…?" said Rock.

Talim pointed at Lizardman.

"THE DUDE TOOK A PIECE OF ROUND MEAT AND THREW IT ON THE GRILL!" she laughed, "THEN HE TURNED IT OVER AND IT HAD THREE BLACK STRIPES ON IT!"

"Far out!" said Lizardman. "She's like, all goofy and stuff!"

"THEN HE TOOK TWO PIECES OF BREAD, AND PUT THE MEAT BETWEEN IT, AND THEN HE GAVE TO ME, AND I ATE IT!" Talim laughed hysterically.

"I'm Henry the Eighth, I am!" sang another, pirouetting past them.

"MAH BISCUITS ARE BURNIN'!" screamed the person who'd had their rear against the grill. He ran past them, his bottom completely engulfed in flames, and ran right into the donations box, setting the whole thing on fire.

Olcadan just stood there as their profits literally went up in smoke.

"My life officially sucks." Muttered Olcadan as little pieces of burnt money began fluttering down out of the air.

* * *

Somewhere in the desert, the burnt remains of an old wooden building stood, barely holding up against the heat and winds that carried eye-stinging sand. There was no sign of life among the ruins, save for one solitary figure silhouetted against the sunset. A girl, scantily clad in green, carrying a large ring-shaped weapon.

Tira surveyed the wreckage. The destruction here was brutal. It must have been done by someone merciless, to have caused such carnage on this scale.

She smiled gleefully. Her targets were dangerous people. All the more challenge, all the more delight she would take. Her whole body quivered with anticipation…


End file.
